Get Serious About Your Happiness

I think of myself as a happy person.  Now, I don't mean I'm happy all the time.  It's not that I never feel sad, frustrated, angry, hurt, scared, insecure......of course not. We need them all! Emotion is life and the good feeling ones come with the not so good feeling ones. I do believe, however, that we are meant to be happy and that it's necessary. With happiness at our core, we can pursue our true purpose in this life. So it's important and it makes sense to get serious about happiness. I suggest you decide to OWN it and drive that emotion into your core!

But how? How do you make happiness your "go to" emotion despite the dramas and traumas that we have all experienced and will inevitably continue to experience?  One way I have found is to hold happiness as one of my highest values. Most of us don't typically identify happiness as a value. We may identify family, friends, God, a strong work ethic, money, time for ourselves or contribution as values just to name a few. But, how these values show up in our lives, I believe, is directly related first, to the emotional states we value. So, if we don't highly value a great quality state of emotion like happiness or gratitude how can all those other values I mentioned be experienced positively and to their highest potential? I don't believe they can.

"There can be no transforming of darkness into light and of apathy into movement without emotion." Carl Jung

Here are come common happiness blockers. Really, they are just stories we tell ourselves don't buy them!
 Do you ever think or believe:

 "If I allow myself to be happy something bad will happen. If something bad happens I'll be devastated, it's better to be prepared."  (And I will prepare by worrying)

 "If I allow myself to feel and show happiness others might take advantage of me, or I might not be respected." (Happiness means weakness)

"I can't feel happy when everywhere I look people are so sad and struggling I would feel terribly guilty.  (Happiness is selfish)  

 We feel what we focus on, our experience of life is determined by the meaning we give things and the emotional states we choose to value.

There is so much we cannot choose in this life; so much we  have no control over. We cannot control what others do or say, we cannot control what they think of us or not think of us. We cannot control the all too real tragedy's that happen to people every day. BUT, we can 100% control the meanings we give all things, people, situations and events. We can choose our perceptions and our thoughts which ultimately create how we feel.  If we choose to value happiness, gratitude, joy, and peace (just to name a few) as our primary emotional values just think how that could impact all the other aspects of our lives, and the other great values we hold. It's a completely different world!  It's Freedom! the greatest value of all right? 

Happiness and gratitude: You need it, you deserve it, without it you won't grow or contribute to your true potential.   

  
It's holiday time again. I am always amazed how fast time flies. I always say that life is too short AND too long to feel stressed and unhappy all the time. Life is too good because it is! Where there is bad there is always good, where there is dark there is always light. What do you have to be happy about right now? What might you be taking for granted? The smallest things are most often the best things. What do you need to remember to feel happy and grateful? Dreading the family gathering? Shift that focus to what you can appreciate about the situation and the people. Don't leave anything out.

Right now, in this moment, see it, hear it, it's Thanksgiving, so smell it and taste it too!  NOW feel it! Got it? Feeling it?
I knew it; nothing bad happened! Now just do THAT feeling over and over and over.......  
You Got This!
Happy Thanksgiving! I am so grateful for YOU!!! 

Shine bright,
 Peg

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Peg Haust-Arliss, LCSW-R 

Holistic Psychotherapist, Anxiety Specialist and Life Strategist 

Visit my website and grab your free Stress and Anxiety Toolkit! 

FROM FEAR TO FREEDOM: Awareness Is The First Step

Have you ever felt excited to start a new project, begin a new endeavor or take on a new challenge that you KNOW would be really great for you, but only to somehow get stuck again and again? Have you ever wondered why that happens?  

It’s FEAR! 

Fear can be our friend. Thankfully, we all have an instinctual mechanism that turns on the fight or flight response to real danger, but I'm talking about the kind of fear that is an illusion. The kind that lies to us and convinces us there is real danger. 

Sometimes fear is obvious and sometimes it’s not obvious at all. Let me explain. In my book:  In Pursuit of the Divine Written Stories To Empower A Woman's Soul,  I write about a seemingly meaningless episode I experienced in Kindergarten and how that was a seed that grew to a full blown Panic Disorder in adult hood.  If you have ever experienced excessive and irrational anxiety you will be familiar with the "fear of the fear" the fear of the symptoms and not having control over them.  That’s the obvious fear. Not so obvious, however, were deeper fears. Fears I held deeply in my core belief system; fears of not being enough. We all have this fear to some degree. Even the most confident among us! 

What I have come to understand and what has helped me so much is this quote by Marianne Williamson. It was one of my biggest a-ha moments and I share it with you now, so you can know this truth too:

Don't you love it? It was a life changer for me and I hope it speaks to you too! 

Sometimes fears are not obvious at all. Behaviors such as procrastination, spinning your wheels, feeling like you’re not accomplishing anything, keeping yourself out of relationships or repeatedly getting into relationships that are not good for you. Or when trying to lose weight, you might reach your goal weight, but for some reason can’t keep it off.  Of course, sometimes the reason is hormonal or medical, but you find yourself in situations where you just can't figure out why these patterns keep happening? Or, worse, you don't even question them. You accept that it is your reality.

I have been there too! And sometimes I can find myself visiting there still. But, NOW I understand it and know exactly what to do about it.

You see, once you understand that what is really happening is a specific mind set; a belief system (BS) that you have, stories that are untrue and BS that you have been telling yourself consciously and unconsciously (probably for years and probably not even from you originally). Once you get that, you are on your way to real and lasting freedom from the fears holding you back from the life you deserve. 

Life is meant to be lived in JOY NOT FEAR!  Fear that you are not enough, fear of failure, fear of being seen and heard, fear of getting emotionally hurt (again) is not allowing you to live fully. 

Awareness it the first key to change. Understanding the thought/mood connection is the first step. 

GET STARTED:

Start small with simply noticing and becoming aware of your thoughts and how they make you feel.  What I did many years ago was track my thoughts in a notebook. When I started to see them on paper I quickly became aware that what I was thinking was actually creating how I was feeling.  Oh, and don't get freaked out, we all have negative thoughts throughout the day and since we are focusing on them it's not unusual to feel even more of the emotion. That's normal. I had a lot of anxious thoughts back in the day creating tons of anxiety! You will start to see a clear correlation between your thoughts and your mood. That's good because you will understand that you have some control now. You will understand that your emotions are not just happening out of the blue, there is a thought first!
Once you have written down a thought statement, for example: "She didn't call me back yet, she must not care." Then ask yourself this question from Byron Katie's work: Is it true? Can I be 100% positive that that thought/belief is true? Next, ask yourself, What else could it mean? "Maybe she is just busy." Could that be true? We are starting with "automatic thoughts" (AT) here. When I work with a client, we start with these free flowing automatic thoughts and later we dig a bit deeper to the next two levels of thought, Assumptions and Core Beliefs. AT's are a great place to begin.
Remember, you can't change what you're not aware of! I hope you feel curious and try it out.

I would love to hear from you! 

I invite you to connect with me on FB and Twitter. 

Peg Haust-Arliss, LCSW-R, CCT, AADP, CPNLP is a Holistic Psychotherapist specializing in stress and anxiety.

Visit her website and grab your free report and free 6 part audio training Series! 

My New Book That Will Inspire You To LIVE MORE Now!

MY NEW INSPIRATIONAL BOOK ANTHOLOGY BECOMES AVAILABLE ON AMAZON FRIDAY, JUNE 6TH!

Tomorrow the book anthology that I co-authored, In Pursuit of the Divine will be released on Amazon.  I was invited to participate in this incredible collaboration by the book's compiler, Krista Gustavson who asked that each of the book's 30 co-authors share our stories of empowerment and transformation more truthfully, vulnerably and courageously than ever before. The result is a collection of stories that is incredibly real and packed with tools to empower women around the globe.

This is your time to Live More, to be authentically and genuinely YOU!  It's time now to shine your light fully for your sake, for the sake of your loved ones and for the sake of our world. This book will empower you to do just that.  Isn't is about time?


Stay tuned for the Amazon link which will become available tomorrow, Friday June 6th. You can then purchase the book for you and all the women who are important to you!

                                                                        

MEET THE CO-AUTHORS!


I joined forces with 29 other healers, coaches, visionaries and thought leaders from around North America and the U.K.

Each co-author had experienced a life challenge in some form that resulted in her experience of playing small, or remaining hidden from the world. By telling our stories, our purpose is to expand your awareness, acknowledge you and provide a sanctuary to reclaim your own personal power. Women now more than ever are being called upon to come together as a collective entity. With our unique offerings, we have a desire to support you and guide you in activating your own inner wisdom so you can align yourself with the greatest expression of who you are and know your purpose in the world.

WATCH MY VIDEO INTRO FOR MY CHAPTER: "FROM FEAR TO FREEDOM"
Check out my video!

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Peg Haust-Arliss, LCSW-R, CCT, AADP, CPNLP is a certified cognitive therapist, strategic interventionist, NLP Practitioner, and health coach.

Go to her websites and grab your free reports and free 6 part audio training:   

How To Manage Stress From the Inside Out:
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5 Mistakes You Don't Want to Make (Includes Bonus Recipes!)
LiveMoreCoach.com

Live More in 7 Steps

Wow, another year gone by. The older I get the faster the time seems to pass. Are you finding that too?  I vow to myself and to my loved ones to be grateful for every moment of precious time. That's why for me, this is a time to plan ahead for the new year AND reflect on this year soon to pass. During the last week of December, I will sit down with some good music playing, a glass of wine in hand, and my fur kids beside me to write it all down. I really look forward to this yearly ritual and I encourage you to try it. If you know me, you know I LOVE to organize, and this is a fun and useful way to kick start your dreams and goals and then next year it will be a great way to keep momentum going. When I coach you as a client, you will personalize this exercise fully in detail using all areas of life. Here's how to get it rolling using one example.

1. Just as I described my comfy space above, create your own space that's inspiring and comfortable for you. Give yourself at least a couple hours of uninterrupted time. Yes, I said two hours, you DESERVE it and you owe it to yourself and your loved ones. I mention loved ones because by reaching your goals, you are affecting others around you.  Trust me, if you don't quite get how that works now, by reflection time next year you will understand.  :)
2. Identify an area of your life that you would like to grow for the coming year. Maybe you want to get serious on your health goals this year, or you want to buckle down financially, or maybe you want to focus on a personal development goal.  Write down the area of life you chose and then rate yourself on a 0-10 scale where you are now. For example, 0 is no where near your goal, and 10 is exactly where you want to be.
3. Next describe your 10: "where you want to be." You can make it a list or a descriptive paragraph. Be specific. A good question to ask yourself to get started: "How will I know I reached my 10? Example:
Health 0-10  Current score 5
What's my 10? I will know that I reached my 10 when I...feel more energy, experience good moods on a regular basis, have lost 10 lbs. and have lowered blood pressure. Make your goals reasonable and attainable. You don't want to set yourself up for the impossible and hurt yourself trying to get there. On the other hand, don't limit yourself either! I think most of us humans way underestimate what is possible for ourselves.  So here's a test, do you know or know of anyone that has started where you are and accomplished similar results? 
4.  Once you have a narrowed down list of things you want to accomplish in the year ahead, WHY do you want that? Motivation will only go so far. Having reasons why you want what you want will pull you forward, which is much easier than using only your willpower, which is what happens when you don't identify your reasons. I suggest that you journal about your reasons. What will life be like when you reach your goal? How will it affect you and others?
5.  Get out your calendar! I still like good old pen and paper. I like the planners that show the whole month with the days of the month having large squares for lots of writing space. Set a date for your objectives and end goals. You might say, by June 15, I will have released five pounds. By December 31, all will be attained.
6. HOW will you get there? What do you need to do?  Whose support do you need? Make a list of action steps that make sense to reach your goal. 

EXAMPLE:

• Schedule a full physical in January for base line starting point. (Call for appointment Friday). 
• Decide best form of exercise for me and schedule time in my calendar for exercise.
• Learn and practice breathing techniques to reduce stress.
• Monitor my blood pressure periodically (Ask Dr. how often and use blood pressure check station at drugstore)
• Do a cleanse to learn how to eat healthy and jump start health (spring)
• Sign up for a yoga class (Check out area class schedules today and start next week)
• Drink more water!

I tend to be a list maker. It works for me. Don't get overwhelmed by your list! Chunk it down and give yourself "done by dates" and don't list too many things for one day. Also, I can't emphasis routine enough. Plan a routine and follow it. By 20-30 days you should be in the groove nicely. Last month I decided to drink the morning elixir that I use in my detox program on a daily basis instead of just during detox week.  It took a while to get into the morning routine, but now it's completely automatic. Anything and everything can become a routine. Repetition is key.

7. BE FLEXIBLE! You know what they say about the best laid plans... If things go off course, that is okay! There is no failure only feedback. Learn from what happened, and continue on. I think that is one of the biggest mistakes we can make; giving up too soon.

Here is an extra tip: Become aware of your self defeating thoughts that will make you want to give up (and they will show up!) I know I have had these thoughts at times: "Oh, this won't work, I've tried this before, this is too hard!  yadda yadda yadda..."  As powerful as thoughts are, they are just thoughts. You create your experience and emotional state with your thoughts.  Like in basketball, catch those thoughts and shoot them; don't hold the ball!  Remember why you want it and soon you will see your goals, the life you want, come into fruition. That is exciting and you know what comes next? You keep growing...
Now that's Living More!

Peg Haust-Arliss, LCSW-R, CHHC is a certified cognitive therapist, strategic interventionist, relationship educator, and board certified health coach.

Check out her websites and grab your free report:   
5 Mistakes You Don't Want to Make (Includes Bonus Recipes!)
www.PegHaust.com  
www.LiveMoreCoach.com

3 STEPS TO EMOTIONAL FITNESS FOR CHRISTMAS

Are you emotionally unfit this holiday season? If you are dreading the holidays and not looking forward to the money sucking, weight gaining, and crazy making here are three simple things you can easily do to go from bah humbug to a holly jolly holiday:

 1. MOVE! No, I don't mean running away and moving out of town for the holiday season, I mean MOVE your body! Chances are if you are feeling less than stellar it's showing in your body. Are you moving a little slower, dragging your feet? Do you have your grumpy scrooge face on? You may not even realize your doing it, but I bet your loved ones do! You know what to do; stand up straighter, breathe deeper, SMILE! Don't underestimate the power of movement. Go ahead, turn on some tunes, dance, smile, laugh!
When you change your physiology you change your emotional state in an instant!

2.   Adopt An Attitude of GRATITUDE:  What are you focusing on? If you are focusing on your never ending list, and everything you don't have then of course you feel like crap! You cannot feel bad and grateful at the same time. Whatever is wrong in your life there is also something that is right. Focus on that and you will feel immediate relief.

3.  Adopt A PAY IT FORWARD MINDSET: Do you remember the book and the movie? It's all about giving without expecting anything in return. It's about the powerful ripple effect giving to others can create. It's cheap too!  Be mindful and look for opportunities instead of being mindless and missing the action. We are often so busy we don't even see what's right in front of us. With a pay if forward mindset, you will be the one who notices the elderly person struggling to walk,  you will notice the short person who can't reach the top shelf at the grocery store .It may be a little thing to you, but it's those little things that matter most sometimes.

So there you have it: Move, Be Grateful and Give; three simple, specific, and self controlled things you can do right NOW that will make this holiday season better than ever. Keep it going beyond the holidays and you will have a life that is better that ever too!

Live More Everyday :)
P

The Secret to Success in 2012 and Beyond!

Well, here we are 2012. The year that some believe is the countdown to the end of days. If that's the case, I am making sure that this is the best year of my life!  Seriously, if the end of the world is not leverage for you, and you are like most of us, your New Years Resolution won't make it past February. You know the story, we go full force then burn out, we procrastinate all year then set extremely high goals and expectations only to give up and go right back to same old, same old.  There is much advice available on how to make sure you are not the majority; a typical statistic. All good advice indeed! But, there is something missing; a major key factor in creating lasting change for your life. Yes, we need to change our behaviors, yes we need to set routine, and big YES to do all of that we need to change our mindset. Change your thoughts and you change your life is something I teach regularly.
But, what I think is missing, a key factor to individual lasting change, is a focus change. A focus change to contribution. Contribution to something or someone other than ourselves.  For my look back on 2011, I see this very clearly.  I acheived more of my personal goals for 2011 then any other year. The difference, I think, was my decision to focus on giving back and getting more involved in causes close to my heart.
Simply put, I believe that we are much more likely to follow through with goals and intentions if we are feeling good; period. You are not going to want to stick to healthy habits if you're in a state of anxiety, sadness, anger, frustration, insecurity or any other disempowering state, THAT'S when we "fall off the wagon". THAT'S when we go back to old habits.  Isn't it true?  I believe that a sure fire way to prevent resolution failure is a focus on contribution, a lifestyle of contribution.  I have found that when I am helping others, I am at my best. When I am at my best I more naturally and easily have the mindset needed to accomplish what I set out to accomplish! You cannot not feel good when you're making a difference. And please remember, it does not have to mean big huge things that cost money. It just means looking for any opportunity at all; making someone laugh that looks miserable, giving a sincere compliment to someone, holding the door for someone, you get the idea. I know this may sound trite, but believe me it's not. You have the power to make a big difference and you probably don't even realize it.  Many opportunities are there if you just look!
So, this year, give it a try. Let your top "Resolution" be focusing on helping others and see how you do on all your other resolutions like weight loss, healthy eating, getting out of debt and quitting smoking.  I predict that you will have a much easier time of it and much more fun in the process. Would love to hear about your experiences! Here's to 2012!!

Life According to Plan?

So, last nights movie was The Adjustment Bureau with Matt Damon. I had no idea what it was about, but I figured I couldn't go wrong with Matt Damon right? Turns out it's about an affair between a politician and a ballerina affected by mysterious forces keeping them apart. A romantic tale of "you and me against the world," and in this case the world is the hands of fate; Destiny. Two lovers apparently not meant to be together, it doesn't fit the plan. The "hands of fate" in this case is a team of fedora wearing men; the Adjustment Bureau, whose attempts to keep them in line and make sure they stay on their chosen path proves challenging at best.  Coincidences? I think not, there are no coincidences, that is the Adjustment Bureau hard at work. They will make you late for meetings, miss important calls, delay you at the airport, whatever they have to do. Hell, they will even erase your brain if they have to! They allow us to believe we have free will, and they have even given us a chance to make our own way; but they assure us that we managed to screw that up big time!  

Ok, so, it was a fun romantic story blah blah blah. But, it made me think about my life; just how much has been free will and how much has been "Divine Intervention"  Hmmm....  A trip down memory lane....Age 12 I KNEW I was supposed to marry John Travolta.  As any typical star obsessed tween, I prayed and cried and cried and prayed.  Vinny Barbarino the only boy for me; there could be no other!  My best friend and I planned our bus trip to Englewood, NJ to introduce ourselves to his mother!  Crazy girls! But as destiny would have it, not the bus trip, nor the wedding were in the cards. That man's heart belonged to Ms. Kelly Preston.  Ok, seriously, what about my dreams of being a rock star hair stylist? Surely, that's not too much to ask for. I worked hard, put myself through Cosmo school, but again, a coincidence that I could not cut hair to save my life? Another failure, another dream shattered. So it seemed. Animals, that's it! I am determined to work for a shelter or vet or something! That is my path. Again, been there, done that, didn't last for "some reason." I seem to have always gotten what I set my sights on, but curiously none of them ever lasted.  Quit making me waste so much time with free will would you please? Do a better job at keeping me on my path! Why did I have to waste six years in a painful relationship? Why did I have to have a public speaking phobia and panic disorder for years that prevented me from pursuing my real dream since I was 18 of being a counselor?  It's not fair! Oh, all the missed signs that are all so clear to me now. But, guess what, it has all worked out. I am, right now,  in the right place at the right time.  Looking back, the most important, most impactful events for me have been the ones I did not expect. Coincidence that I saw my husband to be while stopped at the same traffic light at 4 am? Our eyes meeting briefly as I asked, who is that? Later he unexpectedly shows up in my home town pub on what happened to be my birthday. Really?  Or, I "just happen" to be channel surfing and land on Tony Robbins infomercial and without hesitation, acting only on inspired thought, order my first product.  Since then, and because of that moment, my world opened up and in it I have found amazing new friends, teachers, mentors and opportunities. My path is different because of one seemingly simple coincidence. Different or on track?  Even writing this blog post is only happening because I finally decided to take the time to order the free for three month HBO offer!    Little things, big things, and all those seemingly "bad" things had to happen. Those experiences have shaped me and given me the ability to help people in ways I may not have been able to today.  I have a special appreciation for my husband that I never would have known otherwise.  I've been tested, challenged and stretched. But, I have found strengths I did not know existed!  Seems so suddenly apparent lately. Why?  Because I think I am finally learning to just BE, let go, finally accept. It's been a long time coming!   If you really know me, you probably know I am still considering that notion. Giving up Certainty is never easy when you've held onto it as long as I have!  But, with great teachers and friends (that just happen to show up?) I'm starting to imagine and question what could, what would happen, if I continue just a little bit more and a little bit more....

So, we are nearing the end of 2011. I hope you are creating your goals and dreams for 2012. Do I have a plan?  Me without a plan? Not happening.  Of course I have a plan! A well defined, goal directed, manageable, well controlled course; a plan in the grand scheme of things, a direction for my life. I got it all figured out, 2012 here I come!  But, I wonder what the boys of the black fedoras of fate will have to say about it. I will be sure to pay attention. I am now more aware, looking for opportunities, roads not taken that are sometimes screaming at me like a billboard on a truck or sometimes a mere whisper in a dream.  I will stick to my plan, but I will also welcome a date with destiny. 

Hopelessly Optimistic

I think I'm going to live forever.  It rarely occurs to me that someday I will actually be old let alone dead! I hear women my age say they're old; facebook posts commenting on how it's not fun on the other side of 40 and posting funny Maxine comics to make the point.  On occasion, I will catch myself thinking: "Oh God, its coming for me too!" Sometimes I ask myself: "Wow, am I delusionally optimistic? Is it just me who thinks that life is just beginning? That there are no limitations for what we can accomplish no matter what age?  But then suddenly, the Universe will have a message for me; Alas, the story of the 100 year old man that just ran a marathon! One Hundred Years Old People; One Hundred Years!  Which reminds me, have you seen the X Factor this year? Watch some fabulous talent this season, 49 and 60 year "olds" and others well beyond the "typical age" for success. It is then that I feel instant relief. I am NOT the only one! Delusionally optimistic? HELL NO! Hopelessly Optimistic? Absolutely! Someone once told me that there was no hope for my optimism. He was right!
YES, There are those out there with the will and the courage to shine no matter what age. They have the will and the courage despite seemingly impossible obstacles, fears, failures, mistakes, pains, traumas, broken hearts, broken promises, being told can't, being told won't, being told shouldn't, buying into some crazy notion of not being enough or it's too late.  Oooh, but wait, It can be scary to shine, yes? People think: "Who do you think you are?" As Marianne Williamson, so eloquently wrote:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our lightness not our darkness that most frightens us."    

Are you allowing fear or your age to imprison all that is within you?  I do sometimes, but I remember the words of a very wise coach simply yet powerfully advising me: "Just say F it! really loud when the fear creeps in," or "shhh, soften it" when doubt sneaks in. (Seriously, that works)
So, PLEASE, don't be afraid to shine because being afraid to shine is being afraid to live and being afraid to live is death to your spirit. It's the beginning and the end of your aging process.  Give to others your warmth, your humor, your strength that is unique to you. Watch, you might even breath some fire into them and that's the real gift!  Stand up for a cause, if you don't have one get one! Speak for what you believe in with respect and kindness. Share your uniqeness! Don't mistake confidence for arrogance within yourself or others. Remember, your energy is either contagious and age defying or contagious and age magnifying.  Choose wisely.
Lv P
PS:  Because of this post, I decided to walk the talk. I did post a new pic that I was reluctant to post on my blogger profile. After all, what would people think of me in that crazy green dress! "F it" I did it anyway! :)
PSS:  The irony! Just after writing this we watched The Green Lantern. Green represented our will. The message: Don't let fear out will you. I think green is my new favorite color!