FROM FEAR TO FREEDOM: Awareness Is The First Step

Have you ever felt excited to start a new project, begin a new endeavor or take on a new challenge that you KNOW would be really great for you, but only to somehow get stuck again and again? Have you ever wondered why that happens?  

It’s FEAR! 

Fear can be our friend. Thankfully, we all have an instinctual mechanism that turns on the fight or flight response to real danger, but I'm talking about the kind of fear that is an illusion. The kind that lies to us and convinces us there is real danger. 

Sometimes fear is obvious and sometimes it’s not obvious at all. Let me explain. In my book:  In Pursuit of the Divine Written Stories To Empower A Woman's Soul,  I write about a seemingly meaningless episode I experienced in Kindergarten and how that was a seed that grew to a full blown Panic Disorder in adult hood.  If you have ever experienced excessive and irrational anxiety you will be familiar with the "fear of the fear" the fear of the symptoms and not having control over them.  That’s the obvious fear. Not so obvious, however, were deeper fears. Fears I held deeply in my core belief system; fears of not being enough. We all have this fear to some degree. Even the most confident among us! 

What I have come to understand and what has helped me so much is this quote by Marianne Williamson. It was one of my biggest a-ha moments and I share it with you now, so you can know this truth too:

Don't you love it? It was a life changer for me and I hope it speaks to you too! 

Sometimes fears are not obvious at all. Behaviors such as procrastination, spinning your wheels, feeling like you’re not accomplishing anything, keeping yourself out of relationships or repeatedly getting into relationships that are not good for you. Or when trying to lose weight, you might reach your goal weight, but for some reason can’t keep it off.  Of course, sometimes the reason is hormonal or medical, but you find yourself in situations where you just can't figure out why these patterns keep happening? Or, worse, you don't even question them. You accept that it is your reality.

I have been there too! And sometimes I can find myself visiting there still. But, NOW I understand it and know exactly what to do about it.

You see, once you understand that what is really happening is a specific mind set; a belief system (BS) that you have, stories that are untrue and BS that you have been telling yourself consciously and unconsciously (probably for years and probably not even from you originally). Once you get that, you are on your way to real and lasting freedom from the fears holding you back from the life you deserve. 

Life is meant to be lived in JOY NOT FEAR!  Fear that you are not enough, fear of failure, fear of being seen and heard, fear of getting emotionally hurt (again) is not allowing you to live fully. 

Awareness it the first key to change. Understanding the thought/mood connection is the first step. 

GET STARTED:

Start small with simply noticing and becoming aware of your thoughts and how they make you feel.  What I did many years ago was track my thoughts in a notebook. When I started to see them on paper I quickly became aware that what I was thinking was actually creating how I was feeling.  Oh, and don't get freaked out, we all have negative thoughts throughout the day and since we are focusing on them it's not unusual to feel even more of the emotion. That's normal. I had a lot of anxious thoughts back in the day creating tons of anxiety! You will start to see a clear correlation between your thoughts and your mood. That's good because you will understand that you have some control now. You will understand that your emotions are not just happening out of the blue, there is a thought first!
Once you have written down a thought statement, for example: "She didn't call me back yet, she must not care." Then ask yourself this question from Byron Katie's work: Is it true? Can I be 100% positive that that thought/belief is true? Next, ask yourself, What else could it mean? "Maybe she is just busy." Could that be true? We are starting with "automatic thoughts" (AT) here. When I work with a client, we start with these free flowing automatic thoughts and later we dig a bit deeper to the next two levels of thought, Assumptions and Core Beliefs. AT's are a great place to begin.
Remember, you can't change what you're not aware of! I hope you feel curious and try it out.

I would love to hear from you! 

I invite you to connect with me on FB and Twitter. 

Peg Haust-Arliss, LCSW-R, CCT, AADP, CPNLP is a Holistic Psychotherapist specializing in stress and anxiety.

Visit her website and grab your free report and free 6 part audio training Series! 

ASK PEG

Today's Q&A is on a personal note. I get asked now and again why I decided to become a counselor, and why I specialize in anxiety?

At the risk of sounding cliche I must admit yes, counseling was my calling. Seriously, it called for me since age 17. I have a distinct memory of talking with a girl my age, an acquaintance at best, and she was sharing with me struggles and challenges she was going through.  I don't remember what I said or did, but I do remember her thanking me and saying very genuinely that I should be a counselor. That stuck with me always. So if this post should ever find you, thank you too! You affirmed for me what I only sensed was true.

I held on to that dream, but I didn't pursue it.  My story was that I had a public speaking phobia and that I was not smart enough so I couldn't possibly go to college. I did try, but was told that I didn't take the right classes; just more evidence that I was right.  Instead I went through life working various jobs. Some I loved, some not so much.  I became a hair stylist and dreamed of being a stylist to the stars! But, I didn't think I was good enough and of course, the best part was talking to the person in my chair about their life. I worked in factories, grocery stores, a vet hospital; all the while trying to find my groove.

My dream would literally not leave me. I was plagued with recurring dreams of walking down the hallways of my high school crying because I missed out on higher education.  I wanted to be a counselor for battered women and teen girls so, to compensate I became an advocate at the Victim's Resource Center. I loved it and I envied people who did this for a living! But again, always thinking: "I can't because..."  I had a million reasons.

Turning 30 was the turning point. I decided it was now or never. The pain of not pursuing my destiny was more painful than any anxiety right?  Besides, I will do what I do best, AVOID! I will avoid the classes that required public speaking, and if worse comes to worse I will have no problem accepting a zero for an assignment. As long as I get a C- that's all I need. I will figure it out like I always had since 1st grade!

So, I closed my eyes and jumped out of my comfort zone... WAY OUT!  I unexpectedly experienced anxiety that I never felt before and did not know one could feel! And THAT, my friends is why I now specialize in anxiety.
My new story today is that my anxiety challenge was a gift. Instead of it being something that happened to me, I now see it as something that happened for me. I needed to breakout of my prison cell. The prison cell that I now know that I created. Since then I have accomplished things I never would have imagined and if you personally know me I bet we can converse about 1 or 100 terrifying moments of my phobic past!  Do I ever experience anxiety today? YES of course I do!  But, now I know that anxiety is not the scary monster it wants me to think it is.

I sometimes still dream at night of walking down the halls of my high school, but now instead of crying I'm just on to my next class.

Peg Haust-Arliss, LCSW-R is a certified cognitive therapist, strategic interventionist, relationship educator, board certified health coach and soon to be author. 
Learn more about Peg and her services: 
www.PegHaust.com  
www.LiveMoreCoach.com

ASK THE THERAPIST

Dear Peg,
When people ask me for help I always say “yes” regardless of how inconvenient, but when I need something everyone is always too busy!   Should I get new friends? Thanks, NR

Hi NR,

Great question and not uncommon! Saying yes when you want to say no does more harm than good. It is such a great recipe for burnout and resentment potentially damaging your relationships to the point of extinction creating the very thing we fear the most! We all need love and connection and we all fear losing it.

So, why DO you “always” say yes?  What do you fear will happen if you say no? Do you fear losing friends? Do you fear not being liked? Are you afraid to hurt their feelings? On the other hand do you keep score, make yourself feel justified and add your yeses to your arsenal for a prepared attack?  
It’s a mix of intention, honesty and values. Here is an easy way to break this resentment building pattern and create stronger relationships at the same time. Before you say Yes to the next invitation or request ask yourself:  Am I saying yes out of fear or out of love? Here's what I mean. Yesterday I was asked to table for a non-profit organization.  It was a Sunday, which typically is reserved for time at home.  I made the decision to go, but not out of fear: “I better say yes or they will think I am not dedicated” but, rather out of my love to help and contribute to that cause.  Do you see the difference?  I have said no to friends, family and work and I KNOW it is not easy or comfortable, but guess what?  They are still in my life and they still love me!  If you lose love and friendships because of this then it may not have been an honest and authentic relationship to begin with.

Use this question for all of your situations.  If you honestly want to say yes but feel time consumed you need to decide what and how to prioritize.  If you decide you can’t or honestly do not want to do something it’s OKAY! Be honest with yourself and your loved ones.  I would much rather have someone honestly and kindly say no to me than have them not fully present and secretly building resentment; wouldn’t you? 

“A ‘No’ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‘yes’ merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.” Mahatma-Gandhi

Got a question for my next issue? Email it to me! 

Live More Everyday! :)
P

 

I PROMISE MYSELF:

"To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.

To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best

and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of

others as I am about my own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on the the

greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile

to every living creature I meet.

To give so much time to improving myself that I

have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,

and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world,

not in loud words, but in great deeds.

to live in the faith that the whole world is on my side,

so long as I am true to the best that is in me".

Christian D. Larson

Shopping for a Therapist?

I love shopping! I don't care what it is, I'll offer to help my friends shop. Need a car? Oh, let me go online and research for you! Need to find the perfect dress? Please, let me go with you! Yes, I love to shop!
Shopping for a therapist? Well, maybe not so much.  But, I look at this this way....
When it comes to choosing a therapist or a life coach, finding the right one for you is like finding the right running shoes. Sometimes, off and running, you find a pair that fit just right.  But, sometimes you have to try on a couple pair and compare. Still other times, you have to run around the block a couple times.
Sometimes people finally cultivate the courage to make that call and try it out, but find it wasn't helpful and give up.  If that has happened to you, or if it ever does, don't give up! You made that call for a reason! Very likely, the person that wasn't a good fit for you is just right for another!

So, how do you begin?

I suggest, that before calling the prospective therapist/coach, ask yourself:

• What do I really want from sessions; what do I hope to gain?
• Why do I want that? How would my life look if I did accomplish it?
• What are my expectations for sessions and for the therapist/coach?
• What am I hoping to gain; support? direction? tools? skills?  
• What am I willing to contribute to the process?

The more specific you are about what you want the easier it will be to find the right fit for you.

Next, make a list of prospects and start calling! Don't be afraid to ask questions pertaining to how they can help you; afterall, they will have many questions for you!  You might ask:

• This is what I want to accomplish, have you had success helping others with this?
• Do you have a specialty?
• How often will we meet?

Don't forget to ask about payment and insurance too. And check out their website if they have one.
If you are comfortable, you can ask your family, friends, or doctor who they might suggest in your area.
Once you've made your initial phone/in person contact assess; did they welcome your questions and answer confidently? How did you feel after talking with them the first time?

REMEMBER, finding the right therapist/coach, like finding the right running shoe, is vital for comfort, performance, and results! So, if the shoe fits.......